Monday, April 27, 2009
Well, two months have passed since I found out about my condition.
A week or two after the initial revelation, I decided that to reverse the condition I would have to lead a buddhist monk existance, rising at sunrise every morning for meditation on the beach, living only in the moment, working only a few hours a day and without concern, learning to feel at one with the universe, eating only to satisfy my body and not my mind, getting plenty of rest and plenty of playtime (especially with my children), receiving psychotherapy, etc.
So how am I doing? Pretty poorly really. Here I am at 1am writing my blog and in general I seem to find it a lot easier to spend hours reading about healthy living and meditation than to spend half-an-hour putting it to practice. Although some of my diet changes have been radical, a lot of my consumption is still "comfort" snacks rather than needed nutrition. The psychotherapy is still on the back boiler (I would start if a psychotherapist walked up to me and offered his services...!). I still have trouble getting to myself to sleep at a reasonable time. I am definitely working less and spending more time with my girls but even with them, I'm still checking, and responding to, my mail every few minutes.
I feel that finding out about my condition has been a blessing because it has prompted me to reevaluate my lifestyle and realize that I would like to make lots of changes (and in fact need to make lots of changes if my body is to survive). The question is whether I really have enough desire to make them.
In some ways I feel like it's a battle between me, the Father, who would like to continue his journey for another 30-60 years, and me, the dysfunctional person, who wants to have a chronic, life-threatening, disease. My conscience mind wants the father to win but my subconscience worries me... I´m sure there is a lot of baggage in there that needs to be cast aside if I'm to stop injuring myself.